Tag Archives: Humor

#Calexit Diary, 2016 – 2020

canstockphoto22366211I used to occasionally get paid for thinking about the future, and this whole #Calexit thing has tickled my fancy. So I decided to dust off those arcane skills and have a go at the old crystal ball. Here’s what I’m thinking.

NOVEMBER 2016 – Dissatisfied with the results of the election, many Californians begin a movement to break off from the United States.

MARCH 2017 – The initiative to secede appears on the primary ballot and passes. Succession is to take place within the year.

JUNE 2017 – The northern part of the former California decides that they have never been properly represented by the urban south, and vote to break off and go back to the United States.

AUGUST 2017 – In their first election, the new nation tries to decide their name, whether or not to have an army, what the flag and national anthem should be, and if Aaron Sorkin should write their new constitution. There are so many initiatives on the new ballot that voting takes two hours per person.

SEPTEMBER 2017 – Election finishes and results that come in at the month’s end are inconclusive. Everyone wants to do their own thing, man. The new nation immediately splits into 37 sub-nations, known collectively as, um, The Collective.

OCTOBER 2017 – Hillary Clinton invited to be the first Presydent of The Collective.

DECEMBER 2017 – The Winter Solstice is chosen as the first day of the Presydential Term and the beginning of the new nation. The party begins!

FEBRUARY 2018 – The party finally winds down.

MARCH 2018 – The last of the hangovers finally clear, in time for the first anniversary of the birth of The Collective. The party begins again.

APRIL 2018 – Fryncysco declares itself the world’s first micro-aggression free zone.

JULY 2018 – President Trump cancels the wall between the former California and Mexico and extends it between Arizona and The Collective and Upper California and The Collective.

AUGUST 2018 – In their second election, The Collective legalizes objectophilia. Toastersexuals from around the world rejoice and flock to The Collective.

DECEMBER 2018 – The first anniversary of The Collective. Party!

MARCH 2019 – As hangovers clear, the next election declares December a holiday month and January a work-option month for recovery.

MAY 2019 – Presydent Clinton’s progressive Parkinson’s disease makes it difficult for her to rule. Her brain is transplanted into a new body grown from fetal stem cells. The new Presydent immediately receives more than 6,000 marriage proposals, even some from toastersexuals.

JULY 2019 – The last taxable business in The Collective goes under. In an emergency election that lasts through August, The Collective votes to become The Commune. It’s a groovy thing.

SEPTEMBER 2019 – Incessant partying has driven the price of legal weed up to $120 a joint. Protesters take to the streets. Presydent Clinton assures them that everything will be cool, and they all go home.

NOVEMBER 2019 – A Chinese submarine lands a small scouting party of troops on a beach near Los Angylys. After 48 hours of reconnaissance they return to the sub and nothing further is heard from China.

JANUARY 2020 – Democrats in the U.S. invite Michelle Obama to come back from The Commune and run for President. She considers it.

FEBRUARY 2020 – Texas considers succession if Michelle Obama becomes President. They look at how The Commune turned out and change their minds.

MARCH 2020 – Michelle Obama turns the Democrats down. Her new body is still in the growth chamber.

APRIL 2020 – U.S. Border Patrol guards along The Commune wall report it’s been awfully quiet in there.

MAY 5, 2020 – Mexico annexes The Commune.

House of the Rising Sun – The Opera

I’ve taken sick with some kind of stomach bug, and when I crashed out on the couch, I left the TV on PBS, where I was exposed to Berlioz’s grand opera, Les Troyens… all 4 1/2 hours of it. While I was in and out of a fitful sleep, I learned that opera is all about taking a story that could be told in 20 minutes and stretching it out to three hours in song.

With that in mind, I have begun my first opera, based on the popular folk song House of the Rising Sun. It’s a little rough, but keep in mind this is only the beginning, and if sung in another language it will probably rhyme.

Cast
DIABETES, an adventurer (Tenor)
CORICIDIN, his best friend (Bass)
UVULA, lover of DIABETES (Soprano)
VELVEETA, the maid (Alto)
WOMEN’S CHORUS
MEN’S CHORUS

The scene is the house of UVULA. The time is any time period for which you can rent cool costumes on the cheap. UVULA sits on one of those half-couch things reading a scroll.

VELVEETA (entering)
My mistress! I bring you news of great joy! Diabetes returns!

UVULA
He returns?

VELVEETA
He returns!

WOMEN
Oh, weep for joy! Joy of joys! Diabetes returns!

UVULA
Diabetes my love returns!
And he has been gone a really long time!

WOMEN
Forever, it seems.
And don’t say we didn’t warn you, girlfriend.

UVULA
Where is he now?

VELVEETA
He comes down the lane by your house
And now he is opening your gate.

UVULA
He will soon open the gate of my heart!

WOMEN
Tee hee!

VELVEETA
And now he comes up the sidewalk
And he is nearing the door
I think he will just walk right in
Because he usually doesn’t bother knocking.

WOMEN
No, he never knocks.

UVULA
Diabetes! Diabetes! My love returns!

WOMEN
Her love returns!

(DIABETES enters with CORICIDIN and the MEN)

UVULA
Diabetes! Can it be?

DIABETES
Uvula! My little grommet of love!

UVULA
My love!

DIABETES
My love!

UVULA
My love! My love!

DIABETES
I love to love my love!

UVULA
And I love to be in love with my love, my love!

DIABETES
That’s nice.
I missed you, too.

UVULA
Now tell me of your adventures
Of all the things you’ve seen
But maybe not everything at once
Save a bit for later, for my attention span is short.

DIABETES
I have traveled all across this world
And I have seen many things
Polar bears and narwhals
And devices that let you vote straight ticket
I have seen our enemies weep in big tears
And I watched as my bosun’s mate
Choked to death on a toothpick
But there was one thing I saw
A thing more tragic and terrible than anything else
I wish to forget it
But oh, my heart, my heart will not allow.

UVULA
Tell me about it.

WOMEN
Tell us.

VELVEETA
Yes, tell us.

CORICIDIN
I really don’t think you want to hear this.

WOMEN
Shut up. Who asked you, anyway?

MEN
You’ll be sorry!

DIABETES
I saw… this house.

UVULA
A house?

VELVEETA
What kind of house?

WOMEN
Yes, what kind of house?
We really don’t have anything better to do.

MEN
We’re heard this before.
A lot.
So we’re going for pizza, then.
We’ll be back later.

(The MEN exit. CORICIDIN tries to follow, but DIABETES pulls him back)

CORICIDIN
I haven’t had pizza in many days.

DIABETES
Nor have I, old friend.

UVULA
I will make you a nice quiche or something
If you only stay
And tell me of this house.

DIABETES
The house… the house.

WOMEN
Tell us of the house.

DIABETES
It is a house in the new town of Orleans
Not the old Orleans in France
And not the band that sang “Amy”
It is a loud town of high water
And food that makes your mouth hurt
The music there is amazing
And they do interesting things with beads.

CORICIDIN
I spent many beads there!

VELVEETA
And I have many beads from there!

WOMEN
You naughty persons!

DIABETES
Can I go get pizza now?

UVULA
Tell me more of this house!

DIABETES
The house takes its name
From the first rays of the morning
But rather than a metaphor of hope
It’s the opposite, really
For it has drawn in the poorest of young men
And dropped them down
Grinding them into the filth with cruel heels.

WOMEN
You might say they were brought to ruin.

CORICIDIN
You might say that, yes,
But he didn’t.

WOMEN
Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more!

CORICIDIN
Wrong show!

DIABETES
As I considered the denizens of this house
I could not help feel
I was no better than they
And perhaps I was one of them.

CORICIDIN
He was one of them a lot.

UVULA
What does Coricidin mean by this, my love?

DIABETES
He’s only speaking in jest, my love
Ha, ha, forever the kidder
Good old Coricidin!
Besides, I entreated the mothers of my crew
All except for the bosun’s mate, that is
Not to allow their sons
To befall the fate that befell others.

MEN
We have returned!
And the pizza, it was mightily good.
We saved you a slice.

DIABETES
Whoa, look at the time!
I need to go and debrief these men
I owe them many ales for their service
See you soon, my love!

(He departs with CORICIDIN and the MEN)

UVULA
Not again!

VELVEETA
Do not worry, mistress!
I will step lively
And fetch a box of Klondike bars
And we can watch ‘Pride and Prejudice’ again.

END OF ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

Kung Foolery

Here’s a little bit of fluff that I wrote from a prompt (“I know Kung Fu”) for the writer’s group I’m in.

“I know Kung Fu.”

“What?”

“I said I know Kung Fu.”

“Kung Foot?”

“Fu. Kung Fu.”

“Yeah, so do I. He owns that takeout place down on 23rd.”

“No, no, no! This isn’t about food. It’s about self-defense.”

“So this Kung Fu character, he’s like in the mafia, only Chinese, and if I cross you, he’s going to send some guys over to my place with swords?”

“No. Any damage I do will be done with my hands and feet.”

“So you’re telling me that I should be afraid of you because, even though I’m the one with the gun, you’re the one with the hands and feet?”

“That’s exactly it. Stop laughing.”

“Sorry. Can’t help myself.”

“You’re going to be sorrier in just a minute, because–”

“Yeah, I know. You know Kung Foot.”

“Fu. Kung Fu. It’s a deadly martial art.”

“Marshall art? Isn’t that like a cop in the old west? Sheriff, that’s the word.”

“Scoff if you must. Kung Fu is a very serious discipline, one that has made my entire body into a weapon. A deadly weapon.”

“So how come you ain’t used it yet?”

“I’m only going to use it if I have to.”

“I feel the same way about this here gun.”

“It’s no match for my Kung Fu.”

“Do you have any idea what the muzzle velocity of this gun is? I think a bullet can move a lot faster than you can with your King Kong.”

“It’s Kung Fu. And I could have disabled you now and left you writhing on the ground in pain.”

“But you didn’t.”

“You didn’t shoot me, either.”

“That’s because if I shoot you, it’s an even worse crime than robbing you. All I want is your wallet. I’m not wanting to shoot you over it.”

“So why do you have the gun?”

“To make you give me your wallet. You’re supposed to be scared of me.”

“I’m not.”

“Why?”

“Because I know Kung Fu.”

“So why haven’t you used it yet?”

“Why haven’t you shot me yet? Maybe you don’t have any bullets.”

“Maybe you don’t really know Kung Fu.”

“It appears, then, that we are at an impasse.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, forget it. Just take my damn wallet.”

“Tell you what. Gimme what cash you have and you can have my gun.”

A Brief Word About Pandas

An appropriate sample of the glurge

A piece of glurge recently landed in my inbox by accident, one that is a pictorial love letter to the Panda. While I have nothing against the little black and white beasts, I can’t help but feel a rant coming on whenever I hear of efforts to continue propagation of the species… because they’re so cute.

Doing it in the name of science is one thing. Doing it in the name of cuteness? Another thing altogether. If ever you wanted to make a case for letting natural selection step in and take its course, the panda would be Exhibit A.

“But Faust… you’re foaming at the mouth about… Pandas?”, you ask. Yes, indeedy I am. And if you knew Pandas like I knew Pandas, you would, too. Here’s why:

In the pantheon of astounding mammal intelligence, Pandas bottom out on the list, actually fitting more comfortably between the Ostrich and the Amoeba. They’re finicky eaters and have been known to starve to death in a land of plenty – that is, in the wild – making keeping them in captivity a headache.

They don’t reproduce well in the wild, either, which means breeding them in captivity requires the assistance of two apostles and a minor prophet. And once they do reproduce, they’re likely to forget what they’ve done and crush the pup to death while doing something important like sleeping or turning their nose up at perfectly good food.

Source
(Click through at your own risk)

The only reason they’re not extinct by now – as well anything so idiotic should be – is because of the large patches of black fur around their eyes, making them look huge. As it turns out, humans are hardwired to show empathy toward large eyed creatures so we will instinctively nurture babies and children, and compulsively buy those paintings of adorable puppies and kittens painted on black velvet that you see at flea markets.

This means that human beings nearly kill themselves to keep these cute but essentially worthless creatures alive. This is why I refer to pandas as “God’s Little Practical Joke.”

Oh, and for a time they were not even considered bears. Blame for the species was given to the raccoons, who must have been smug over the fact that we labeled them as bears. The bears were equally smug until a recent DNA test confirmed the worst – Pandas really are members of the bear family. How embarrassing that must have been.

This Guy’s Favorite Moments from Chick Flicks

A writer friend of mine has a sidebar on one of her blogs that features her favorite moments from chick flicks. I liked this idea, and thought about putting in scenes from my favorite guy movies. Then it hit me that doing this would be easy. Too easy. What better challenge is there than to find scenes from chick flicks that my wife made me sit through I lovingly sat through with my wife?

I must admit that while reviewing my wife’s DVD collection my mind wandered a bit during each film, but mostly I was able to pay attention enough to (proudly!) bring you the following list.

PRETTY WOMAN
In the alley behind the bar where Julia Roberts is trying to locate her friend, Richard Gere is set upon by a handful of thugs. Roberts appears just in time and pulls a 9mm from her purse. She dispatches all of the miscreants, each with a double-tap shot to the head. “Wow,” says Gere. “Where’d you learn to shoot like that?” “The Mossad,” Roberts answers, deadpan. And we don’t know if she’s serious or not.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
When Mr. Darcy learns that the lousy guy has absconded with Elizabeth’s sister, he takes a carriage all night to London to find them. With the help of his best friend, he spirits the sister out of the house. Then he secures the doors on the house and sets it on fire. The louse dies a horrible, agonizing death.

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE
Tom Hanks gets to the top of the Empire State Building but his son is not there. Meg Ryan arrives, and realizing this is all her fault, swears to make it right. The elevator man says he saw the boy being loaded into a van on the ground floor. Ryan takes a fire hose and rappels down the side of the buliding and runs to her ex-fiance’s car, where she pulls out an AK-47. She empties it into the front of the van as it comes around the corner. The van hits a fire hydrant and water gushes everywhere. She pulls the boy from the back of the van as Hanks appears on the scene. Everyone is wet but happy.

NOTTINGHILL
Everyone piles into the car to help Hugh Grant find Julia Roberts, but their erratic driving gets the attention of the police, who give chase. One by one, Grant’s friends sacrifice themselves for true love by leaping out of the car into traffic to create a diversion. By the time Grant gets there, he has lost all of his friends, but he has Roberts. NOTE: I would have liked this movie a lot more if the police sniper hadn’t shot Grant dead at the very end.

LOVE STORY
Ryan O’Neil arrives at the hospital to see Ali McGraw plugged into every tube in the world. “Hey, hockey jock,” she says, “love means never having to say you’re sorry.” “But I’m not sorry,” O’Neil says. “I’ve just found out that you’re not sick.” He explains that there’s a big, dark, sinister conspiracy and the upshot is that the hospital is slowly poisoning her to death. He unplugs all the tubes and carries her out of the hospital. At his car, he pulls out a radio and calls in an air strike on the hospital. Several B-52 bombers show up, and O’Neil and McGraw kiss while the hospital is blown to smithereens (I always cry at that part).

AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN
After killing his drill sergeant in the martial arts fight, Richard Gere is pursued by police to the factory where Deborah Winger works. “I always said I’d die for you, and I’m about to,” Gere says. “Well then I’ll die for you, ya big lug,” Winger says. They both load up handguns and take one in each hand, then run out shooting at the surrounding militia. The camera freezes on them running out and you hear lots of gunshots. I always cry at this, too, but not as much as the exploding hospital in Love Story,

LOVE, ACTUALLY
The Office Seductress flies into a rage over not being able to seduce Alan Rickman and sneaks into his house and takes him hostage along with his children. Emma Thompson arrives at the police blockade of the house and decides to take matters into her own hands. She crawls in through the loose cellar window that Rickman never did fix, and confronts the Seductress in the kitchen. They both grab cutlery, and after an extended knife fight, Thompson sinks her knife into the kidnapper’s chest up to the hilt and quips, “My order is to go – and you’re the carry out!”

I just want to say that it was fun to do this and I’m now thinking of doing another list. Maybe my favorite kissing scenes from Martial Arts movies. Time for some research!

Top Ten Possible Endings of “Lost”

I figure at least one of these will be right and that I will be hailed as a genius once All Is Revealed…

10) On a previously unexplored part of the island, the Statue of Liberty is found half-buried in the sand amid cries of “Damn you all to hell!”

9) One of the women wakes up in her bedroom at home and there is a man in the shower. He says his name is Bobby Ewing, and that she’s just waking up from a bad dream.

8) The conspiracy becomes so dense that it implodes into a singularity. Television sets all over the world suddenly implode.

7) Man, I can’t believe you haven’t figured this out yet! The clue was there since the first season on 2obscure4U.com!

6) It doesn’t matter because it turns out that Thomas Pynchon has been writing the show the whole time. Thomas Pynchon!

5) Everyone is rescued and they go to a small restaurant to celebrate. Someone orders onion rings. “Don’t Start Believing” come on the juke box. A man goes into the bathroom. The screen goes black.

4) The island turns out to be an exhibit of humans in an alien zoo. No wait, that’s the ending of the new Stephen King book. No wait, that’s the plot of the Simpson’s movie. No, that’s from Slaughterhouse Five

3) A shocking discovery is made: there are seven other people also on the island, and they have been waiting to be rescued since 1964.

2) We never learn the secret because the episode will be pre-empted by Obama’s 1,245th press conference.

1) Actually, all will be revealed in Lost: The Motion Picture, due in theaters May, 2013!

The 21 Best Albums of the 21st Century

When the last decade ended, all of my Last.fm friends fired up their iPods and word processors to turn in their lists of the 21 best albums of the 21st Century. I wanted to do this too, so I fired up the Quantum Computer to do a peek ahead and determine what 21 albums truly would typify humanity’s musical efforts over the next century. Here are the results.

2001 – 2010

Illinois – Sufjan Stevens. The second album of Stevens’ “50 States Project” (which we know now turned into the “53 States and Two Planets Project”).

The Hazards of Love – Decemberists. We must not ignore this recording, which became the basis of the Margaretist religion in 2076.

2011 – 2020

Who Cares? – The Who. After Daltrey’s unfortunate demise in The London Catastrophe, Pete soldiers on with Pino Palladino, Zack Starr and Fee Weybill on vocals – proving that The Who was always about Pete anyway.

The Best of Dial-A-Tune (Volume 4). Being able to compose your own music on your cell phone and share it globally brought about the second collapse of the music industry. This volume is the most representative of why music should have been left to professionals.

2021 – 2030

Borg – Moby. After having the BioPort Implant in his brain, Richard Melville Hall had merely to jack in and think to create new music. This is the best of the 51 albums he created this decade.

Star Wars, Episode 7: The Wrath of Han – Soundtrack. While people complained that this score was derivative of the previous six, most folks were glad to see Lucas back in the director’s chair – although they’re doubtful he can finish the third trilogy before his 100th birthday.

2031 – 2040

4nick8 – StripHop. Rap and hip hop stripped melody from music, and StripHop stripped out everything else that remained. That music these kids listen to – it’s just noise. Literally.

The White Album – The Beatles. Once again, remastering the album in the DCI (Direct Cranial Inject) format brings out nuances that every other format in history somehow missed.

2041 – 2050

The Lyrical World of Walt Disney – Walt Disney. After finally having been thawed out and reanimated, Uncle Walt proves that he still has the power to touch the heart.

Wind Howls of the Martian Prairie – (Field Recording). Where the whole planetary ambient noise movement began.

2051 – 2060

Hammers and Boxes Being Thrown Down Stairs – Hammers and Boxes Being Thrown Down Stairs. Includes the evergreen hits 6th Floor of the Des Moines Public Library and TransmegaCorp Parking Garage, Eugene, OR (8th floor remix).

(Still) Stoned – Keith Richard. More rock and roll from the last surviving member of the Rolling Stones.

2061 – 2070

Wizards: The Centennial Hits Collection – The Who. The 1,348th compilation from the seminal 20th century band.

Songs From World War IV (Soundtrack) – Ken Burns, Jr. Another reason why the ’40’s were the decade of nostalgia.

2071 – 2080

Star Trek: The Musical – Soundtrack. The dazzling songs and score, as composed by the Andrew Lloyd Webber v. Stephen Sondheim Intralinear Emulator.

Device 227-1-A – Device 227-1-A. A landmark! The first all-machine recording, released by the first all-machine music distribution service.

2081 – 2090

The Long, Long, Long Note (Volume XXVII) – Brian Eno. In the latest of his posthumous releases, the eccentric musician surprised everyone by adding a second note during the seventh hour of this recording.

Superluminary – Michael Jackson. Supposedly the last of his archived recordings, this was a huge bestseller. In fact, it sold so well that three more crates of tapes were found after this topped the decade’s Quantum Being list.

2091 – 3000

Second Contact – Z!pf^!. While some accused this album of being a novelty of noise, the creatures from 51 Pegasi transcended their first album, which consisted of Frank Zappa covers.

1001 Strings Play the Hits of Frank Sinatra – 1001 Strings. The history of popular music begins all over again.

Bonus (#21)

Hymns of Allegiance – Our Cyborg Masters. By law, this album must be on this list.