More Answers to Disturbing Search Engine Queries

Three years and three days ago, I posted this entry about some of the odd search engine results I’d gotten in my first nine months of blogging. I never expected that I’d do it again… but on the other hand, there’s no underestimating the insatiable thirst of those out in WWWland for things that are not quite on kilter.

So herewith is a sequel to that post, this time organized by category. One thing I should note here is that, last time I did this, I naively said that my search results were blissfully free of people looking for strange sexual content. As you will see, that has changed. Serves me right for trying to deal with the topic of writing sex scenes in a forthright and adult manner.

Advice Sought

“giving puppy claritin”
Sorry, but you shouldn’t have bought a slobbery dog to begin with.

“al stewart meaning of roads to moscow”
Not funny or weird, but I get a lot of hits on this from people wanting the story behind this song explained. Okay, here’s the meaning of Roads to Moscow. It takes place during World War II and is told from the point of view of a Russian foot soldier. The place names are all sites of battles where the Russians met the German army. Guderian was a German general on the Eastern Front. The narrator fights valiantly to save his mother country, but when the war is over and the communist regime finds out he was briefly taken prisoner by the Germans during the war, they decide he is not trustworthy and have him sent to Siberia. The Soviets did that sort of thing. Be glad they’re gone.

“need help with a different ending for lord of the flies”
Simon didn’t die – he was just hiding because his tummy hurt from too much roast boar. The rock misses Piggy, and the boys go on a merry romp through the jungle looking for his lost glasses. In the end, the Royal Navy shows up and takes everyone home, stopping for ice cream on the way.

Burning Questions

“is father christmas an alien”
There’s a talk your parents should have had with you when you were twelve. And it isn’t about sex.

“does the word hot mean your pretty?”
If you’re a person, sort of. If you’re an automobile, maybe. If you’re an appliance, it means you fell off a truck.

Celebrities

“What goes on in Carl Hiaasen life that connects to his books”
The same thing that goes in in the lives of most other successful writers: Every day he gets up, goes to the office in his house, plants his glutes in a chair and types. Types, types, types. Don’t look for him as an aloof-yet-fun-loving-drifter of a person who meets and beds beautiful women like the characters in most of his novels. You’ll just be disappointed.

“vanilla ice annotated lyrics”
By Norman Mailer, no doubt.

“E-MAIL ADDRESS OF MR. JOE IN USA.”
Where to start, where to start…

Incomprehensible

These speak for themselves…

“french clifford event near bed turbulence”

“choking on swan gas + movies”

Personal

“anti joe faust bills”
Should I be worried? (seriously, I suspect that this query was looking for this guy right here)

“jose clifford faust”
I know this was probably a typo, yet I can’t help but wonder…

Problems

“MY INDEX FINGER IS TURNING WHITE AND IS NUMB AFTER i PLAY GUITAR FOR A WHILE WHAT IS IT”
I SUSPECT YOU’RE FRETTING YOUR NOTES WAY TOO HARD. EASE UP. IF THAT DOESN’T HELP, SEE A DOCTOR – YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME KIND OF CIRCULATORY PROBLEM. AND STOP SHOUTING.

“I know you are watching me. Doesn’t it bother you that I know Doesn’t it make you question everything”
Aluminum foil. It’s not just for cooking.

“why is it taking my literary agent so long to sell my manuscript”
Because s/he’s doing his/er job. It took my agent three years to place the Pembroke Hall novels…

“fresh with wife friend innuendo christian”
You don’t need me… you need counseling.

S*xual Matters

“night time theraflu and sex effects”
If you’re sick enough to take Theraflu, why are you having sex?

“faust sex”
At least twice: my wife and I have two kids.

“sexual filthy novels downloads free copies”
This from the United Arab Emirates. Take my advice… don’t do it. If you get caught, they’ll cut off your hand. Or maybe both of them.

Stuff I Just Plain Don’t Want to Know About

“pedophile rap battle”

“sex with friend’s mom”

“Sex girl photo toilet”

And please don’t come to my site looking for sordid uses for Bag Balm. You’re disgusting.

Strange Requests

“goth revert to islam”
This still doesn’t explain that goth band I saw at a Fat Thursday celebration yesterday.

“Why I hated nursing home working hour easy”
Y’know, I’ve had a lot of different jobs, but not this one.

“sample thank you note for pallbearer”
Don’t tempt me, please. Not with this mood I’m in right now…

“more about mononucleosis I have the main stuff do I need anything”
Might as well get Measles, Mumps, and Chicken Pox out of the way while you’re laid up.

“Lord of the Ring sample haikus”
Oh, very well. If you insist…

LOTR #1
Bilbo Baggins said,
“With this ring, I thee burden –
It’s your problem now.”

Why Me?

“online magazines showing pictures of light make-up for oily skin”

“cute girl backgrounds with the word “POEM””

“voodoo headdresses”

“facts age strokes casablanca born”
(at the time, my site was the number one listing for this string…)

Miscellany

To all of you looking for free downloads of the books and songs I’ve mentioned in these pages over the years – quit pinching your pennies until Lincoln screams and spring for copies. A lot of the artists and most of the writers mentioned here could use the extra sales.

Also, why do people Google “www.joecliffordfaust.com” and then click through the Google listing? Why not just type the address into the browser and go there directly? Unless, of course, you own Google stock.

See you in another three years and three days.

Listening
Romeo locks his basement flat and scurries up the stair
With head held high and floral tie, a weekend millionaire.
I will make my bed with her tonight, he cries
Can he fail armed with his chocolate surprise?

(via iPod Shuffle)

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