Here's a little bit of lunacy that I wrote for the journal of
my Last.fm account. I thought it was neglected and decided to give it a run here. Enjoy!
The Book of Daniels, Chapter 131. And lo, it came to pass that people called on the Lord.
2. And because of those souls that which would be lost to Satan were saved, Satan did miss his quota.
3. But Satan, being clever, sought to complete his quota through trickery, and he said unto himself,
4. "Self, I shall go into the world, and I shall bargain with men for their souls,
5. And they being a foolish and proud lot, shall seek to take the bargain, but fail, and so I shall steal their souls."
6. And so Satan went down into a land of the south, a place where nuts and soft fruit grow on trees, a land through which a great general once marched.
7. It was there that he came upon a young man whose name was John who was of fair countenance. He was a musician of great talent, and he played a small harp which he tucked under his neck.
8. Lo, Satan approached John, and he said unto him,
9. "I would strike a bargain with you. It mayest not be known to you, but I play the harp tucked under my neck as well."
10. Satan showed John his harp. Behold, it was made of precious metal and inset with valuable gems. Satan said, "I see that you are of great talent, but I say mine is greater.
11. I propose a contest, and if your talent proves greater, you shall take my harp,
12. but if my talent proves greater, I shall take your immortal soul."
13. John said unto Satan, "May the Lord forgive my pride, but I accept this challenge. You shall regret this challenge, O Satan, for there has never been one with such talent as I!"
14. And lo, all the angels sang,
15. "Oh, John, preparest thyself and thine harp of the neck,
For lo, these lands have been stricken, and Satan, he is a cruel master,
And should you prevail, you shall take Satan's harp of precious things,
But woe to you if you lose, for it shall cost you your soul!"
16. Now Satan produced his harp of the neck, and he spake unto John, saying, "I shall begin."
17. And thus he began to play, and when he did, his fingers, they were as flames and the sound he produced was as a great caterwaul.
18. And lo, his underlings began to play, and it sounded thusly.
19. Now when Satan was finished, John said unto him,
20. "O, Prince of Darkness, you have shown yourself adequate in my eyes! Now may the Lord forgive my pride, but if you will seat yourself, I will shew thee the proper ways of the neck harp."
21. And lo, John did then play a selection of popular music
22. And the music did enjoin the listener to flee from fire,
23. And accused Satan of divining by use of the stars and planets
24. And observed the behaviors of barnyard animals
25. And queried an elderly crone about the nature of her guardian beast, and a youth was assured that it was indeed tame.
26. Now when Satan heard John play, his countenance fell, for he knew that a mere man had bested him.
27. He fell on the ground and laid his precious instrument before John and did not look him in the eye.
28. And John said unto Satan,
29. "Fouler of nations! If you want to get back that which is precious to you, return to me at any time.
30. For verily, I have already told you, thou offspring of curs, that there has never been one with talent such as I!"
Prompted by my son, I have put up a John McCain yard sign on my Facebook page. I think I would have preferred one that said
We're Screwed '08, because neither presumptive candidate really has me fired up. For the record, I haven't been really excited about a Presidential candidate since Ronald Reagan, but we can't always get what we want, right?
However, I've thought it through and have decided that if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Now maybe we don't need John McCain or Barack Obama right now, but I think McCain has more of what we need than the question mark from Illinois.
How did I determine this? By the numbers, of course.
- 0 - The number of days it took me to figure out that Obama was destined to run for President. Watching the election returns in 2004, I listened to how the media was gushing over a man who had done nothing but turn up and win an election against a Republican carpetbagger - and I turned to my wife and said, "Listen to this. The media is going to have him running for President before long."
- 1.6% - The percentage of bills in Senate on which The Junior Senator from Illinois was sponsor that actually passed. Two out of 123, to be exact. One was a relief bill for the Congo Republic, the other designated a "National Summer Learning Day." Heavy.
- 2 - The number of years that The Junior Senator from Illinois was The Junior Senator from Illinois before he announced that he was running for President. Must have been his tremendous legislative record that inspired him. Or the Media. But they wouldn't do that, right?
- 4 - The number of years I was off in guessing when The Junior Senator from Illinois would run. My wife asked, "You think he'll run in '08?" I said, "No, '08 will be Hillary's year. Besides, he won't have enough experience to run after just four years. I look to see him in 2012." Stupid me.
- 129 - The number of times in the Illinois Senate that the current Junior Senator from Illinois voted "present" as opposed to "yes" or "no" - seen now as a face saving measure so he could say he did not vote "for" or "against" lightning rod issues like abortion, penalties for concealed weapons, and building strip bars near schools. The Junior Senator's people are saying that many of these "present" votes were precipitated by badly written laws, or legislation with poison pills in them, preventing him from wanting to vote "for" them - but that being the case, wouldn't a "no" have sufficed?
- 146 - The number of days that The Junior Senator from Illinois was The Junior Senator from Illinois before he set up a Presidential Exploratory Committee. Not even six months of Senate experience. Robert Heinlein said that the best choice for President is a someone who doesn't want the job. Like Bill Clinton before him, The Junior Senator wants the job far too badly to deserve election. It's a privilege, not a destiny. And a role of service, not an anointing.
- 80, 75, 72, 72, 70 - The ages of the five oldest Supreme Court justices and the factor that really brought me around to McCain. It's not just that I shudder at the possibility of Supreme Court Justice Clinton (either one) as a political payback for this year's nomination blowout. It's the tendency of Democratic appointees to write laws from the bench as opposed to interpreting the constitution (which is why I favor periodic elections to retain SCOTUS appointees, much like we do with local judges). McCain may have some cranky ideas on who should inherit the next open black robe, but I'd rater take my chances with his choices than more bench legislators.
That's my analysis. So this year I'm
getting out the nose plugs and voting for McCain.
What would excite me about voting for him? Condi Rice as his running mate. Her presence on the ticket would defang both the "woman" thing (if Hillary continues to be a player), and the "black" thing. And there's one really, really important thing about Rice that I like.
She doesn't want the job.
Update 7/17/08: Added
1.6 and
2 to the list.
