Here's a little bit of lunacy that I wrote for the journal of my Last.fm account. I thought it was neglected and decided to give it a run here. Enjoy!


The Book of Daniels, Chapter 13
^1. And lo, it came to pass that people called on the Lord.
^2. And because of those souls that which would be lost to Satan were saved, Satan did miss his quota.
^3. But Satan, being clever, sought to complete his quota through trickery, and he said unto himself,
^4. "Self, I shall go into the world, and I shall bargain with men for their souls,
^5. And they being a foolish and proud lot, shall seek to take the bargain, but fail, and so I shall steal their souls."
^6. And so Satan went down into a land of the south, a place where nuts and soft fruit grow on trees, a land through which a great general once marched.
^7. It was there that he came upon a young man whose name was John who was of fair countenance. He was a musician of great talent, and he played a small harp which he tucked under his neck.
^8. Lo, Satan approached John, and he said unto him,
^9. "I would strike a bargain with you. It mayest not be known to you, but I play the harp tucked under my neck as well."
^10. Satan showed John his harp. Behold, it was made of precious metal and inset with valuable gems. Satan said, "I see that you are of great talent, but I say mine is greater.
^11. I propose a contest, and if your talent proves greater, you shall take my harp,
^12. but if my talent proves greater, I shall take your immortal soul."
^13. John said unto Satan, "May the Lord forgive my pride, but I accept this challenge. You shall regret this challenge, O Satan, for there has never been one with such talent as I!"
^14. And lo, all the angels sang,
^15. "Oh, John, preparest thyself and thine harp of the neck,
For lo, these lands have been stricken, and Satan, he is a cruel master,
And should you prevail, you shall take Satan's harp of precious things,
But woe to you if you lose, for it shall cost you your soul!"
^16. Now Satan produced his harp of the neck, and he spake unto John, saying, "I shall begin."
^17. And thus he began to play, and when he did, his fingers, they were as flames and the sound he produced was as a great caterwaul.
^18. And lo, his underlings began to play, and it sounded thusly.
^19. Now when Satan was finished, John said unto him,
^20. "O, Prince of Darkness, you have shown yourself adequate in my eyes! Now may the Lord forgive my pride, but if you will seat yourself, I will shew thee the proper ways of the neck harp."
^21. And lo, John did then play a selection of popular music
^22. And the music did enjoin the listener to flee from fire,
^23. And accused Satan of divining by use of the stars and planets
^24. And observed the behaviors of barnyard animals
^25. And queried an elderly crone about the nature of her guardian beast, and a youth was assured that it was indeed tame.
^26. Now when Satan heard John play, his countenance fell, for he knew that a mere man had bested him.
^27. He fell on the ground and laid his precious instrument before John and did not look him in the eye.
^28. And John said unto Satan,
^29. "Fouler of nations! If you want to get back that which is precious to you, return to me at any time.
^30. For verily, I have already told you, thou offspring of curs, that there has never been one with talent such as I!"

Prompted by my son, I have put up a John McCain yard sign on my Facebook page. I think I would have preferred one that said We're Screwed '08, because neither presumptive candidate really has me fired up. For the record, I haven't been really excited about a Presidential candidate since Ronald Reagan, but we can't always get what we want, right?

However, I've thought it through and have decided that if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Now maybe we don't need John McCain or Barack Obama right now, but I think McCain has more of what we need than the question mark from Illinois.

How did I determine this? By the numbers, of course.

• 0 - The number of days it took me to figure out that Obama was destined to run for President. Watching the election returns in 2004, I listened to how the media was gushing over a man who had done nothing but turn up and win an election against a Republican carpetbagger - and I turned to my wife and said, "Listen to this. The media is going to have him running for President before long."
  
  
• 1.6% - The percentage of bills in Senate on which The Junior Senator from Illinois was sponsor that actually passed. Two out of 123, to be exact. One was a relief bill for the Congo Republic, the other designated a "National Summer Learning Day." Heavy.
  
  
• 2 - The number of years that The Junior Senator from Illinois was The Junior Senator from Illinois before he announced that he was running for President. Must have been his tremendous legislative record that inspired him. Or the Media. But they wouldn't do that, right?
  
  
• 4 - The number of years I was off in guessing when The Junior Senator from Illinois would run. My wife asked, "You think he'll run in '08?" I said, "No, '08 will be Hillary's year. Besides, he won't have enough experience to run after just four years. I look to see him in 2012." Stupid me.
  
  
• 129 - The number of times in the Illinois Senate that the current Junior Senator from Illinois voted "present" as opposed to "yes" or "no" - seen now as a face saving measure so he could say he did not vote "for" or "against" lightning rod issues like abortion, penalties for concealed weapons, and building strip bars near schools. The Junior Senator's people are saying that many of these "present" votes were precipitated by badly written laws, or legislation with poison pills in them, preventing him from wanting to vote "for" them - but that being the case, wouldn't a "no" have sufficed?
  
  
• 146 - The number of days that The Junior Senator from Illinois was The Junior Senator from Illinois before he set up a Presidential Exploratory Committee. Not even six months of Senate experience. Robert Heinlein said that the best choice for President is a someone who doesn't want the job. Like Bill Clinton before him, The Junior Senator wants the job far too badly to deserve election. It's a privilege, not a destiny. And a role of service, not an anointing.
  
  
• 80, 75, 72, 72, 70 - The ages of the five oldest Supreme Court justices and the factor that really brought me around to McCain. It's not just that I shudder at the possibility of Supreme Court Justice Clinton (either one) as a political payback for this year's nomination blowout. It's the tendency of Democratic appointees to write laws from the bench as opposed to interpreting the constitution (which is why I favor periodic elections to retain SCOTUS appointees, much like we do with local judges). McCain may have some cranky ideas on who should inherit the next open black robe, but I'd rater take my chances with his choices than more bench legislators.

That's my analysis. So this year I'm getting out the nose plugs and voting for McCain.

What would excite me about voting for him? Condi Rice as his running mate. Her presence on the ticket would defang both the "woman" thing (if Hillary continues to be a player), and the "black" thing. And there's one really, really important thing about Rice that I like.

She doesn't want the job.

Update 7/17/08: Added 1.6 and 2 to the list.

-- Item #1 --

I don't know why, but a question I've been asked a lot lately is, "Joe! If you were the President, what would you do about Iran's threat to build a nuclear arsenal?"

Like I could do anything about it. I don't know. There must have been something out there in the zeitgeist, or else this mustache and goatee of mine make me look like I would be an expert in that particular field.

So I don't know why I've been asked this question so much lately. But I know what my answer has consistently been, ever since Ahmadinejad started rattling the plutonium saber: "Nothing. Israel will take care of it."

And sure enough... the balloon hasn't gone up yet, but it's certainly being inflated.

Hmmm. Maybe I should join Predictify after all.


-- Item #2 --

When I wrote about Carbon Recapture and Sequestration, one of the things I hinted at was the fact that the environmental movement found global warming such a scary thing that nuclear power was actually starting to look pretty tame by comparison.

Enviros may not be ready to drink from the uranium cup yet, but the Scare crowd is due to take a long, hard look at the world they're going to create if they get their way.

I'm not talking about the goofy, dystopic world I described in the aforementioned post. I'm talking about a world where the real solutions to the global warming question are not necessarily the ones that environmentalists want. Specifically:

• Nuclear reactors are the most green producers of electricity, putting out a fraction of what the next-cleanest source does.
  
  
• It takes more carbon to produce a hybrid car than it does a regular car. And if you buy an old gas guzzler, it has already paid for its own carbon footprint.
  
  
• It's greener to run your air conditioning than it is to heat your home. Florida, here I come!
  
  
• Old growth forest? Not green! A tree is a massive carbon sucker-upper for about 55 years. Then it sits around waiting to rot or get burned up, at which time all of that carbon goes... where? (Maybe we should bury dead trees, too.)
  
  
• It takes far more carbon to raise up organic beef and dairy products than their mass-produced brothers and sisters. PETA take note - you now have Sophie's Choice when it comes to saving the planet.
  
  
• City living? Green. Think about it. All those people stacked on one another in apartments, walking and bicycling and taking mass trans to work.
  
  
• Carbon Credit Trading = Spit in the Ocean. There's no guarantee the traders will live up to their end of the bargain and grow those trees for 55 years, and if they did... they'd only buy us another 6-1/2 days.

Now here's the kicker. It's not just me, the "Global Warming Is Made of People" skeptic. All of these inconvenient truths - and a few more guaranteed to make greeners squirm - were put forth in the latest issue of Wired Magazine. Read, and prepare to change your thinking.

Meantime, I know what my answer to the Global Warming question is, too. "Wait a while and we'll all be worrying about glaciers again."

But nobody asks me about that.

Let me preface this by saying that I never really had any desire to go to Florida. Muggy heat, retirees, expatriate Cubans, hanging chads. I had some friends who lived down there, but hadn't talked to them in a couple of decades other than some passing emails. If there was a state in the union I wanted to visit less, I couldn't think of one.

Then my nephew fell in love with a Florida girl.

Well, it looked like I was going to Florida. In June. I decided to just bite the bullet and go. I didn't want to be the Bad Uncle, and besides, it'd be a vacation with my wife. We'd just happen to be part of a party of twelve family and church members.

So off to St. Augustine we went. We got my nephew all weddinged off. We even got a couple of days to play tourist after the wedding.

And I, much to my surprise, fell in love with the place.

Some of the highlights:

1. That 8 pound flounder my father-in-law caught on his Father's Day fishing trip on the Intercoastal... and the way my wife cooked it.
   
   
2. Anoles and lizards... everywhere.
   
   
3. Watching egrets and sandpipers feeding on the beach.
   
   
4. Going to the nearby pond to check out the turtles... and having 25 in three different species show up hoping for bread crumbs.
   
   
5. Watching egret chicks hatch at the Alligator Farm.
   
   
6. The Alligator Farm, period.
   
   
7. Standing alone on a beach... and seeing a whale offshore.
   
   
8. Other Florida flora and fauna too numerous to mention.
   
   
9. Finding a box kite at a local kite store.
   
   
10. Tacos in a Bag.
    
    
11. The 2 am beach walk with our son.
    
    
12. The wedding itself, beautiful on a patio above the beach. Best. Wedding. Food. Ever. And the most crying was done by... the groom.
    
    
13. Driving around town at 10 pm looking for a seafood restaurant that was still open and discovering The World Famous Oasis.
    
    
14. Going back to The Oasis with our in-laws the next morning for breakfast.
    
    
15. St. Augustine... the nation's oldest city.
    
    
16. The wit and wisdom of the sightseeing train drivers.
    
    
17. The scandalous picture my wife and I took at one of those "old timey photograph" places.
    
    
18. Chocking up some good face time with my wife.

Not bad. Not bad at all, even when you factor in that incident where I went into the Atlantic with my cell phone in the pocket of my swimsuit.

Yeah, Florida. It's a good place to stop.

By the end of one half hour, approximately two thirds of the company is forever gone. There is no precise casualty figure for that moment. There is for the Normandy landing as a whole no accurate figure for the first hour or first day. The circumstances precluded it. Whether more Able Company riflemen died from water than from fire is known only to heaven. All earthly evidence so indicates, but cannot prove it.

When we see them now, we see them sitting in a jeep, riding in a parade on Memorial Day. They are old men with white hair. When I see them, I get tears in my eyes and shout out "Thank you!" and hope that they hear my message through their failing ears.

Sixty years ago they fought a good fight, against tyranny and oppression. Unlike now, the nation was behind them and their president, committed to getting the job done. And when the job was done, they returned home, expecting no entitlement, simply wanting to put war behind them and get on with their lives.

I grieves me that we are losing these men. As we lose them, we lose a bit of history. We lose a bit of ourselves.

Today marks the anniversary of D-Day, the amphibious assault on Normandy each, the biggest invasion in history. If this day seems a cypher to you, I suggest you click over to this article, which describes the terrible price this generation paid in the space of one day.

I hope it inspires you to sit down with a veteran you know and talk to them about their experience. While you're at it, thank them for their service - especially if, like me, you haven't served yourself.

And while you're at it, set aside some time to thank our current generations of troops and their families for what they are doing. The battle they are fighting is no less important. I think we've lost sight of that right now, our view blinkered by Presidential Approval Ratings and Opinion Polls. That grieves me, too.

So take some time. Read. Think. Remember. Honor.

Tuesday evening I did something unusual - I was the opening act for my son.

Sort of.

Since my son has been in town to attend a series of weddings, my wife got the idea that we should all go to Muggswigz for Open Mike night. Natrually, this would entail his playing some songs off of his album and me playing some of my songs. Neither of us felt we were ready, but we had a few days to do some fever pitched rehearsing. Then I packed up my guitar and the keyboard I bought to do use in home recording (cheaper than a bass guitar and drum machine, and more versatile with all those voices inside it) and the three of us set off.

On the way we joked about who was going to open for whom. I also kept encouraging my son to plug his album, threatening to do it for him if he didn't.

So we arrived at Muggs and dragged all the stuff in (guitar in case, keyboard and it's attendant plugs and pedals, plus the stand) and settled in. I called Henry J to see if he wanted to come and play, too - in a conversation we'd had earlier, he'd complained that he hadn't played out lately). He showed up without a guitar, just there to lend moral support for my son and I.

We got signed up. By the time we got to the sheet, the first four slots were open and five through nine had been taken. My son signed up for slot four, I took three, and an opening act was born. Then we waited.

My wife, bless her heart, showed great restraint. She loves to see us do this sort of thing and wants us both to do well at these things, and her tendency is to want to coach and offer advice beforehand. But son and I were so nervous that she didn't. The only thing she did was, during the first open mike performer of the evening, she reminded me to take slow, deep breaths to relax. I did. It helped.

Since the last time I played out and wasn't sure if I liked doing it, I've been playing in front of people more. I've done a couple of sound checks during shoots of Random Acts of Music tapings, and Henry J and I have jammed some - and during those times I realized that I was becoming less and less self-conscious and paralyzingly nervous before playing. All that and my fevered rehearsals paid off. When my time came and I got up to play, I didn't have that paralyzing "hands of Jell-O" feeling that I'd been prone to earlier.

I also was playing more with my stage persona. I made a point to talk more between songs and tried to make the kind of witty comments that I throw in during conversations with friends. I should also add that I had earlier taken Henry J's advice and rehearsed with a microphone so I could get used to singing into it.

All of this stuff paid off. This was a corner-turning performance for me. Going in I was convinced that playing out was not something I wanted to do. Now I think it's something I can do. So new piece of advice from me: the rule is, if you're going to play out, do it at least three times before you decide whether you're going to keep it up or not.

I won't bore you with the details (I've decided it's not my place to review myself), but this was my set-list:

Wish I Were
One More Cigarette
Going to Texas #4

Finishing that, it was my son's turn to play. We got the keyboard set up, and he was off. He was nervous at the idea of doing patter between songs, so he limited his comments to making a joke about being from the Twin Cities and the accent we all associate with that area. And yes, he plugged his album, too. He played three songs from Start:

Jazz & Vicodin
Wanda
This College Life

I don't know if I'm qualified to review my son's performance, either, but he did really well. This was a corner-turning performance for him, too. He said he didn't like playing live, but I was passing on wisdom from Henry J about the importance of playing songs before an audience, and I think that helped convince him to try (plus the extra nudging from his mother!). After he played, he said he enjoyed it, and I think that like me, the terror in the idea of performing was gone (there's still stagefright, but that's another thing). And bless his heart, Henry J was only too happy to offer critique and answer my son's questions about all aspects of the music biz - I think that helped.

A couple of notes about his performance. When he started, he really got people's attention. I don't know if it was because he was the only keyboard player that night, or if it was because of his unique style of songwriting. People who were out of line of sight stopped what they were doing and walked around a corner to see what he was up to. And during the rollicking Wanda the audience started to clap along - and it wasn't started by me or my wife. That wasn't something we would have thought of doing, and if we had, I'm sure he could have disapproved. But one guy waiting for his latte at the bar started in and poof! - everyone joined it. It was a really cool moment for him, I'm sure.

During the postmortem on the drive home, we realized we should have played something together. A while back ago, before his move to the Twin Cities, I gave him a primitive recording of Going to Texas #4 with the idea of him doing backup vocals on it. For that matter, I could have sung the extra parts on Jazz & Vicodin or Wanda. We also talked about dragging my wife into things - she sang on his recording of Ti Dot Matre, and she and I have been working on a cover of Carpet of the Sun by Renaissance.

Or for that matter, we could collaborate on some kind of song. But that's a project best left to the next time he comes home.

Meantime, I'm thinking about a new set of songs to play at Muggs in the near future...

There are so many things going on that warranted updates that I simply didn't write about - as opposed to the salad days of this blog when each one would have warranted its own separate and lengthy essay.

Anyway, here's what's been happening in the land of the Faust.


Charlton Heston, R.I.P

I'm supposing that my brother and I will both miss having Chuck around, albeit for two different reasons. My brother, being 13 years older, grew up on Mr. Heston in his epic roles - The Ten Commandments, Ben Hur, El Cid, Will Penny, Major Dundee. The parts well served by his larger than life leading-man presence.

Being born later, I remember a different Charlton Heston - the rugged, heroic everyman forced into impossible circumstances. I'm talking of course about the great Charlton Heston Sci-Fi Trilogy of the Early 70's - Planet of the Apes, Soylent Green, and The Omega Man.

Now I know you'd be hard-pressed to call any of them Sci-Fi, or even Early 70's since one came out in '68 or '69 - but for a kid struggling to survive the horrors of Junior High and early High School, this was pretty heady stuff. Remember that the endings to Apes and Soylent were brand new back then, instead of being the target of parody that all twist endings fall victim to ("I see dead people!"). When stuff like that happens, it's hard to remember the magic impact that the original had when first seen in the flickering light of a theater.

Rather than wax eloquent on Heston and his roles and the importance they had to me at the time, I'll instead say this. I recently had a chance to revisit Soylent Green and I thought it held up remarkably well. It was a well crafted thriller for its time and deserves a look past what is considered to be an overwrought ending.

In the meantime, I'm going to take another look at The Omega Man soon, inspired by seeing I Am Legend with my son over the Christmas holiday. I was surprised at how much the Will Smith remake owed to what I remember of the Heston version - so it'll be an interesting look, especially if my son is around to see it.


Well what do you know...

I'd grown up hearing the expression flea circus. I always assumed the expression originated from an attraction that was basically an illusion, a miniature circus that was run by hidden magnets and gears to give the illusion that it was being run by real fleas.

Well, insipired by today's installment of Lio, I checked out "flea circus" in Wikipedia and guess what?

Apparently, at one time, real fleas were used in flea circuses. They were even trained and everything. Seriously.


Now I Know How Scientologists Feel When Tom Cruise Starts to Open His Mouth in Public...

Why, oh why, oh why do other believers do this sort of thing? Don't they realize that Jesus has his hands full trying to save our wretched souls and doesn't have time to appear in municipal court?

Pastor sees noise citation as precedent-setting, says Jesus Christ is his attorney.

And... well, that's it. There were a couple more, but I've spun them off into their own stories. One you've already seen, about my crashing attending a Global Warming Symposium. The other will be up in a day or so, likely.